You know what I've come to realize?
My father is right.
I cannot be an artist.
I cannot amount to anything.

He was right.
And I was too blinded by my own ambition and dreams to see it.
Too young to understand that I don't know what's right.
Too old to just accept it.

I was wrong.
This whole time.
There is nothing for me in this.
I cannot be an artist.

I am not an artist.
My technical skill? Don't even tell me it's good. It's not. It's not even close to what I wish I were. What people accept in this world.
Not that it'd matter anyway, seeing that art is now going digital.
On that note, I can't do photography for that matter.
Oh, and if you didn't know, I stole my Sakura/Trancpaency style from Miki Ishii.
I stole my cartooning style from Yoshitaka Amano and Tim Burton.
I want to steal Guy Bourdin's fetish and I want to steal Mark Rothko's emotions.
I want Tetsuya Nomura's schemes.
I want HR Giger's feel.

I've stolen everything from everyone, and I will never even truely be able to call it mine.


I am not them.
I am not an artist.
I am nothing.

Give me 180 days to memorize the contours of your face
So I may remember them later in life when you are not so near
(Half a year to imprint the value of you.)
Eventually you will be of charcoal and paper.


-E.

Passion (or control) eat away at your bones
Flickering smell of candle wax drip
Down the sides of its shaft
Aftermath of red wine and empty glass
(Crawling away; too exhausted to scream.)
Touch of black satin on white skin (Red
Cut of a mouth. If only she’d know how to use it.)
Hand. Lips. Limbs. Heat. Hesitation.
This was a mistake.



Posted at the request of a friend.

-E.

I got tagged on xanga. But I can't use that anymore.

Take this quiz and find out how girly you are. (GUYS TOO) Put x's beside each thing that's true. Each x that you put is one percent. Have fun!!

[ ] my fingernails/toenails are almost always painted
[ ] during the summer the only shoes i wear are flip flops
[] my favorite toys as a child were barbies
[ ] my favorite colour is pink or purple
[ ] I did Gymnastics
[ ] I love skirts
[ ] hollister is one of my favorite places to shop
[ ] tight jeans are the only jeans i'll wear
[x] I love chocolate
[x] I've never had a real job

TOTAL: 2

[ ] my hair is almost always straightened -- noooo wavy
[x] I have at least 8 myspace pictures (... I think?)
[ ] I usually go shopping once a week
[ ] I love to hang out at the mall with friends
[ ] I have a real diamond ring or diamond necklace or earings.
[ ] I've gone to a tanning salon
[ ] I've gone to the beach to tan - not to swim
[ ] I have at least 10 pairs of shoes
[ ] I watch either the OC or Laguna Beach
[ ] I change my icon weekly
[ ] I wear a shower cap

TOTAL: 1

[ ] I dont shop at Hot Topic
[ ] my cell phone might as well become a part of me
[ ] I wear mascara everyday
[ ] I've been or am on a diet
[ ] bathing suits are adorable
[ ] I dont know the difference between a sheep and a goat
[ ] big sunglasses are hott
[ ] I have gotten my nails done before
[ ] I own over 10 purses
[ ] MTV is one of my favorite channels (Vh1 you whore.)

TOTAL: 0

[ ] all I want to do at sleepovers is talk about boys
[x] I love to have girls do my hair (I.... there's no excuse... it feels nice...)
[ ] I give and recieve hugs from all my friends (not all. hah.)
[x] I hate bugs
[ ] carnivals are so fun!
[ ] Summer is THE best season'
[x] my swimsuit has 2 pieces (I... there's no excuse again....)
[ ] Im waiting for my knight in shining armor
[x] musicians are so hot (some.)
[ ] you write me a poem and tell me im beautiful and im all yours

TOTAL: 4

[ ] I am self-conscious
[ ] I cry often
[ ] my car smells like vanilla or cherry
[ ] my dishes get washed more than once a week (... what the hell?)
[ ] I dont do sports
[ ] I HATE to run
[ ] I squeal when i am surprised or angry
[ ] I eat dried fruit as a snack
[ ] I love romance novels
[ ] Drew Barrymore is so cute (HOTT)

TOTAL: 0

[x] I dance a lot (em... I won't recall homecoming.)
[ ] usually spend an hour or over to get ready to leave my house
[ ] I only have like 5 billion hair products
[ ] I love to get dressed up.
[ ] every part of my outfit needs to match
[ ] I talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends
[ ] I would love to have a photo shoot (YES. But not with me in it? see?)
[ ] I apply lip stuff 50 times a day
[ ] I wish I were a model (Mine wishes I was a model.)

TOTAL: 1

[ ] I wish I could meet Paris Hilton
[ ] I have been something that was semi
[ ] I own Uggs
[ ] Hip Hop is the best music
[ ] I pop my collar
[ ] I like to be the center of attention
[ ] guys with Mohawks are crazy
[ ] horses are beautiful
[ ] I'd rather not pay attention in school
[x] Cats are adorable (some... I'm more of a dog person though.)

TOTAL: 1

[ ] I write my own music
[ ] I would love to visit Hawaii
[ ] Valentine's day is so cute!
[ ] white is better than black
[ ] I wouldn't be caught dead in all black
[ ] my closet is STOCK FULL of clothes
[ ] hate the grunge look
[ ] love to read magazines

TOTAL: 0

[ ] I love to gossip
[ ] I had Lisa Frank folders/posters/notebooks as a kid
[ ] I love Celine Dion
[ ] my bubble baths are 1-2hrs long
[ ] My wedding only needs a groom because it's already planned
[ ] My friends and I are in a strict group.
[ ] I like little kids
[ ] Diet drinks are the best
[ ] I'm all about being vegetarian
[ ] I refuse to eat at McDonalds

TOTAL: 0

[ ] I check my myspace everyday.
[ ] I love life!
[ ] I have a lot of jewlery!
[ ] my screen name(s) have x's in them
[ ] either one of my myspace names has/had <3's or in them
[ ] I would never want to be the opposite sex
[x] It's not what he/she said it's the way he/she said it
[ ] I have more than 3 pillows on my bed

TOTAL: 1

Now add up all the total points and put "I am _% girly" for the subject if you steal or get tagged.

Damn. 10%.
And we wonder why I wasn't born with a penis.

-E.

You feel like you have no sense of privacy, you really don't.
Exposed.Vulnerable. Stripped of responsibility.
Responsibility is a bullshit word.
It was told to us to make us feel like we have power over ourselves. Something, at least. Anything, at last.
Another form of control.
And you know there's nothing left when you feel that pressure behind your eyes
And the muscles around your throat tighten
And what may be a familiar sensation for most of you is so unfamiliar and the heat rises to your temples creeping out from beneath your hairline or from somewhere below your neck.

And all you wanted was some control.


-E.